The Ipsiolon treat

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pagroove
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The Ipsiolon treat

Post by pagroove » Sun Aug 08, 2010 11:47 pm

Well my humble approach at fiction. I'm no native English writer so prepare for lot's of errors LOL. But I just wanted to start a story. Don't know where it ends though. And no, I'm not pretending that I'm even good at it. ;)

But I want to do it. So please help me :)
I hope I find the strength and inspiration to continue.

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The Ipsiolon treat
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1.

Ipsiolon Facility

A grueling wind blasted over the red plains. Despite the wind it was hot, very hot. Mul-mox looked on his wrist computer and measured a temperature of 52 degrees/125.6 Fahrenheit or 25 Oofeels (a standardized temperature scale in the Ooniverse). His wrist computer was linked with HUD-equipped glasses. A box appeared at the horizon and a droid voice sounded in his headphones while aiming at the box. ''Navigation Point locked, Distance 60 miles''. Ipsiolon Facility was in range.

Ipsiolon Facility had been deserted for years. Mul-mox knew that. He had worked there. It was in the middle of the Red Desert Dunes. 'Red like the Hells of Isence'. The saying was in his head like one of those nasty hit-songs. It kept repeating and repeating. Annoying. "At least I'm almost there" he thought.

The Red Desert Dunes were situated almost on the Easternmost tip of the central continent of Isence. It was an isolated place. A good 2 days of traveling on his Anti Grav bike. Mul-mox loved riding this vehicle.

He almost felt joy because of being on the surface of a planet again after 2 years of life in space. But he wasn't here for fun. Mul-mox knew that he was watched constantly. He could feel it. A scar on his left leg reminded him clearly about the nanoguard that was placed just above his knee. Any attempt to remove it was deadly. That was at least what he'd heard all the space-bars, hangars and medical facilities. He didn't dare to try it, yet. His thoughts went back to the cause of his surface trip. The incident that caused all this.

2,

Caught

Mul-mox cried out loud in pain. He could not move while his left leg was cut open with a laser cutter. He shouted it out while looking at a horrific sight. A spider like creature dived in his flesh. In an instant the wound was healed but he felt a sharp pain that went right through his spine.

"Marvelous isn't it? ''Complete our mission and we remove it.'', a strange pitched voice sounded through the room. The voice came out of the dark corner. Mox only saw Three glowing lights. He knew that they where actually eyes of an insectoid. Although he could see only those eyes''.

Judging by the constant hum in the background he suspected that he was on a big cruiser. He was restrained in some sort of capsule and his memories slowly started to come back. He had just jumped into the system of Xeonre while coming from the holiday planet Esveor with no real valuable cargo in his hold. He was the fresh owner of a Cobra Rapier. He had bought the ship at Inera, one of the rare tech level 14 planets. He was not really at home yet with the controls but it was better than his trusty old MK1. He hadn't even came up with a name yet. He had been hit in an instant by some sort of missile and when he was awake he was on this cruiser.

"Where am I and what do you want from me?'', he shouted. His left leg still hurt. '''The only thing that is important is what you are going to do for us." The pitched voice sounded mean. ''You're from Isence right?'' Mox felt no obligation to answer. As if someone had just read his mind the insectoid continued: ''Right, I have done my research right. I captured Mul Mox the famous scientist from the Ipsiolon Facility. Mr. Mox, You are going back home but not for a family reunion''.

Mox was astounded. How could anybody knew that? Ipsiolon Facility wasn't even on the official maps of Icense. It was kept secret for a good reason. ''Icensian Flue stage 2B'' Am I right? Mox couldn't say anything. It was as if all the information was sucked right out of his brain. ''We know that you found the cure, but we also know that you experimented with Icensian Flue and that a sample is still kept in Ipsiolon, right?' You're going to get it. Travel to Icense then await further instructions.''. After the Insectoid had spoken the words he fainted. Everything went black. Mox woke up on the floor of his rapier. He moved his head and saw that he was laying right behind the pilot's chair.

That was a week ago. He had not hesitated to travel to Isence directly. For the first time in his life he felt fear.
Last edited by pagroove on Wed Aug 11, 2010 8:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Post by maik » Mon Aug 09, 2010 5:29 am

Nice start for a story! I'm looking forward to the next chapters! :)

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Post by Cody » Mon Aug 09, 2010 10:37 am

Yeah, good start pagroove... keep it going.

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Post by Sarin » Mon Aug 09, 2010 12:17 pm

First of all, it looks very promising...looking forward to next chapters.

Second, grammarnazi strikes: You are going back home, but not for a family reunion'

Flue>Flu. At least...you are talking about disease, right?

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Post by ClymAngus » Mon Aug 09, 2010 2:34 pm

woot! more fiction!

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Post by Cmdr Wyvern » Mon Aug 09, 2010 2:52 pm

The knitpickers around here would unravel your yarn in a hurry. I've been on the receiving end of that, lost a couple of sweaters worth of loose ends. ;)

It's all good constructive criticism in the end, no biggie.

This promises to be a gripping tale. Keep it coming! :)

hmm... On the other hand, abductions seem to be on the rise, and this time not by small gray bug-eyed humanoids armed with errh.. rectal thermometers. :P
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Post by pagroove » Tue Aug 10, 2010 10:36 pm

3.

The hunt is on

Mike Fletcher a middle aged frog of 233 years old turned his chair around when the automatic door in his office opened. Hem Remvox his pale humanoid assistant stepped through the door. ''What is it Remvox...?" I hope you have a damn good reason to awake me from my morning trance'' said Fletcher in a disturbed way. Behind him were the mile high skyscrapers of Xexedi. Air Taxi's and Jet cars were passing at high speed. In the clear blue sky higher traffic streams could be seen. The Skyways of Xexedi where so full you had to book a trip in advance. If a time slot was given you where on your way. For short distances you flew between the skyscrapers in a low speed stream but if you wanted to go to the other side of the planet you had to make use of the jet stream highways.

For Fletcher it was a form of relaxation to just look at the view of the skyscapers and the fast moving traffic while forcing himself to think about nothing. A quite difficult task for a man in his position.

As head detective of G1SF (Galaxy 1 Security Force) this 'mind clearing' always proved to be a challenge but he had managed to master the skill. His little relaxation moment always came in between the busy schedule of meetings, meetings and.. meetings.

'''The reason I disturb you will make you smile sir'' said Fletcher. ''We have reliable information that Zxcer Mor is in our sector.'' Fletcher looked surprised and even excited. He almost felt from his chair. For a moment it was silent in the room and the roar of jet traffic could be heard in the background.

''Are you really sure? Because if you are we must come into action immediately. Did those informants mentioned a planet where he could be found at this moment?.

''Sir, you don't expect it would be that easy, do you?'' said Remvox. ''Mor was spotted 2 days ago traveling through the Rilace system. The marks on his craft where positive. It matches our photo from a year ago. We got this picture from a Viper Patrol but then the Mor's craft cloaked and managed to escape.'' Remvox looked as if he was expecting some reward.

''Call Zadies and ask permission to do a hyper buoy network search at the Tionisla Array.'' said Fletcher. ''But sir that's...'' Remvox couldn't finish his sentence because Fletcher was already giving the answer. ''Expensive? Yes but do it before I think of other measures to cut the costs'' Fletcher looked at Remvox while he spoke the last words. Remvoxes' face was even paler than normal. ''Yes sir immediately. I inform you when we got permission form Zadies''. The door closed. Fletcher turned his chair and looked at the splendid view form his office at the 566th floor. On his face was a broad smile. For once he made an exception and let a thought enter his mind. "At last'", he thought.

4

Main Street

Mul-Mox decelerated his Anti Grav bike when he spotted the large assembly hall of Ipsiolon Facility. Mox knew he had to be very careful. Although the facility was not a high security factory anymore it still could be that there were some droids.
He knew they could be switched off from the security terminal in the watchtower but dealing with robots that where programmed to shoot everyone and everything in sight was not exactly easy.

Mox had visited a planet side weapons dealer to buy some toys just in case of trouble. He entered a menu on his HUD-equipped glasses and entered infrared vision-mode. He looked around carefully but he found nothing. Just to make sure he also did a check in the thermal-mode with and without zoom. Mox thought of the possibility that the droids where re-assigned to one of the prisons on Isence or on a starship. It was a real possibility. Droids where expensive so re-assigning was a good way to get 100 percent out of the equipment value. Another explanation could be that he simply was to far away. He was now 5 miles from the facillity. Anyway it was just too risky to walk through the gate exposed.

He felt a bit insecure. He could go the last stretch on foot but then he would be very vulnerable . He could also try to speed his way in on the Anti Grav ''I must eat and come up with a plan'' he thought.

Suddenly he got an idea. He stepped on his bike and moved within 2 miles distance of the gate. His left hand on the steering wheel and in his right he had his lasergun. Just in case. There was still no movement at the gate. He came to a halt and left his gun on the ground.

He entered the autopilot menu of his Anti Grav bike. The gate was at 110 degrees Eastwards. He programmed this course in the autopilot. He set the speed to 50 MPH. He stepped of the bike and could just reach the button of the Autopilot. He pressed the 'engage' button and watched the unmanned bike speeding in the direction of the Facility on an exact course of 110 degrees.

''I just blew my chance to return home quickly. Hope its worth it''
He watched the bike which now was 200 meters in front of the gate. He knew the bike would crash against the wall of the assembly hall. If it went wrong it was an expensive bait and then he still he couldn't be certain that the Facility was unmanned.

"Come on" he said to himself. He Grabbed his missile launcher and quickly loaded a missile. He locked the guiding system on his bike. The bike was now at the gate. Still no other movement. The bike was now through the fence and had entered what they'd called 'Ipsiolon Main Street' which was in effect the road to the assembly hall. He had just lost all hope of catching someone or something when two flying droids came out of a hiding. One from the left and one from the right and where closing in on his bike at an insane speed. Mox already saw yellow sparks coming out of the auto-gun of the left droid. He waited till the very last moment and then pressed the trigger of the missile launcher. He was surprised by the backfire. The missile was already traveling towards his bike and the two droids. Mox was smacked to the ground but he could just see an enormous plasma explosion at the gate. There was a brief moment of silence and then the loud bang reached his ears. He couldn't hear for a few seconds. ''Holy Giles''. He looked in total surprise to the little mushroom cloud. He could see fire and immediately turned the Thermal zoom mode of his HUD glasses back on. He could see that the two droids where now spread out in many parts on 'Ipsiolon Main street'. "I'm in", he thought. "I must be even more careful when inside the building.
Last edited by pagroove on Sat Aug 14, 2010 9:25 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Post by CptnEcho » Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:24 am

"It kept repeating an and repeating. "

"The Red Desert Dunes where were situated ..."

"What is it Remvox. ..."
"What is it Remvox? ..."

"Although the facility was not a high security factory anymore, it still could be that there where were some droids.
He knew they could be switched of off from the security terminal in the watchtower, but dealing with robots that where were programmed to shoot everyone and everything in sight was not exactly easy. ..."

"Where am I and what do you want from me!'' He shouted me?", he shouted. His left leg still hurted hurt. [End paragraph / Begin new paragraph for next character to speak.]
Last edited by CptnEcho on Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by CptnEcho » Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:29 am

'''The only thing that is imported is what you are going to do for us."

I assume this is intentional. You were trying to illustrate how insectoids (Thargoids?) experience difficulty when attempting to speak humanoid languages? Yes or no?
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Post by CptnEcho » Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:32 am

Were, We're, & Where
Commonly Confused Words
http://grammar.about.com/od/words/a/weregloss.htm[/url]
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Post by Sarin » Wed Aug 11, 2010 3:02 pm

Story is nice, but grammar needs some polishing. You often forget the commas....

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Post by pagroove » Wed Aug 11, 2010 8:45 pm

Thanks for proofreading. I've implemented the changes. For me this is a good learning process. And I enjoy it. I am a bit ashamed that I overlooked the where/were mistake. Indeed a common mistake :)
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Post by CptnEcho » Fri Aug 13, 2010 12:40 am

Sarin wrote:Story is nice, but grammar needs some polishing. You often forget the commas....
+1
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Post by maik » Fri Aug 13, 2010 7:42 am

Hope you don't mind the critique from a mere reader, but for me chapters 3 and 4 of the story didn't quite hold up to the promise of the first two. The story itself is still keeping me interested, but the QA department somehow wasn't as diligent this time around.

Not only are/were there lots of mistakes where there are only very few in the first two chapters, but the writing style became less, uh, professional, for lack of a better word. I read it a number of times and re-read the first part again to find out what it is but I can't quite put my finger on it. One thing is that the dialogue in chapter 3 does not sound right. Maybe it's a matter of optimization, I imagine as a writer you go through several iterations of your work, and it feels like you went through more iterations before you did your first post than for the second.

Please don't let this stop you from continuing the story though, my curiosity is still piqued :)

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Post by pagroove » Sat Aug 14, 2010 9:27 am

Sorry to let you down. I wrote the other ports late at night. I probably didn't pay attention to the grammar too much then. Should I continue this story?
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